i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
