I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
