i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
