PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
