Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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