im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
