ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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