We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
