I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
