The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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