Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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