so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
