We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
