I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
is wine microwaveable?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
