we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
