It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
you traded sex for a burrito?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Randomize
