cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
