If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
