Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
