If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
