You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
