so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
