every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
