please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
operation harelip BJ is a go
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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