I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
the day after is always just damage control
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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