My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
