i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
