i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
