Pants 0. Shit 1.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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