it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
