look no pants
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
