she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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