You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
