I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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