so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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