you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
