I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
