he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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