this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
whose ass print is on the piano?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
