you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
