I'm lost and stupid without you.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
