I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
