I heard we made out
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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