If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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