He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
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