I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
