I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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