just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
