So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
