I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
