and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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